The Skeptics Say No One Likes Nicole Kidman

GOD, I WISH I WAS WORKING WITH
ANYBODY BUT NICOLE!


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IS NICOLE KIDMAN INVITED? GOD I HOPE NOT!

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"I love Cate Blanchett and Naomi Watts and Nicole Kidman - I love the Aussie girls. I mean they can throw a mean barbecue and they can act - it's a great combination." - Isla Fisher


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HOW MUCH AM I GETTING PAID
TO BE NICE TO YOU NICOLE?


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The backstory.....



About two years ago on Triple J Adam Spencer and I were lucky enough to do a phone interview with the lovely Ms Kidman, and asked her to comment on the rumours about her love-life. (At the time the gossip mags had her dating everyone from Jude Law to her fake nose from The Hours.) She laughed and said the problem was every time she was seen with a man the media assumed they were having a hot, steamy sex. So I said, "well next time you are in the country, why don't you have a drink with me, that would be awesome for my reputation!" That was the day Nicole Kidman learned the same lesson Paris Hilton was going to learn a year later- it's all well and good to have fun, but just don't do it on tape- because she replied: "Okay, I'm back at Christmas, let's go for a drink then!" We must have played that audio grab about 1000 times, to the point where even the guy who programs the Simpsons at Channel 10 thought we were repeating it a bit too much. A piece of tape hasn't been stretched that thin since Sharon Stone's leg-crossing scene in Basic Instinct came out on VCR, by Christmas it was so warped it was hard to tell if it was Nicole Kidman agreeing to have a drink with me, or Peter Harvey... Canberra. Sadly though, Christmas came and the promised drink never eventuated, so in the New Year when I spotted a picture of Nicole in the paper visiting sick children at a Sydney hospital I thought I would have some fun. Launching into my best John Laws I started pounding the table: "How dare you Nicole? How dare you be seen with sick children when you are meant to be having a drink with me? It makes me sick! I don't care if they are make-a-wish kids, how about my wish to pash you?" And that's when the studio phone started to ring. Now normally if Adam Spencer handed me a phone and said "it's Nicole Kidman on the line" I'd think he was joking, but he said in that voice you reserve to say things like "both your parents are dead". It was indeed Ms Kidman, who was such a good sport she not only agreed to go for a drink with me, but also let us do a talk-back on where we could go. (My fave was the listener who suggested the Moonlight cinema because that night they were playing Mission Impossible.)In the end we agreed to meet at my local RSL, and to my absolute surprise- just like my teenage sex life-she came alone. No publicists, no managers, no bodyguards or nipple-tweakers, just a down-to-earth, smart, friendly, and surprisingly funny, Aussie chick having a few 1970s price beers at the local rissole.(Although I must say for the record we had three rounds and I got all three, they obviously didn't have change for a million dollar note at the RSL.)But she was right about the gossip media. Our innocent little drink ended up being reported as a "date" everywhere from E! News to US People magazine where they really pushed the limits of truth in journalism by referring to me as "one of Sydney's most eligible batchelors". Not that my girlfriend Amy was impressed, she just laughed and said: "Dude, be realistic. I love you and even I have to get drunk to find you attractive. As if Nicole Kidman would be interested!" But for a little country boy like myself, it was one of the best couple of hours of my life, and so that's why on Wednesday Nicole has my vote for Australian Of The Year. Well unless Rodney Cocks takes me out for a drink before then, hey, he might even shout!

Wil Anderson


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SAVE THE CHILDREN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!


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THERE'S GOT TO BE A LOOPHOLE IN THAT CONTRACT!

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